A History of Sleepwalking

by Jana Fisher

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about

I spent a summer producing and recording this album when I was 18.

credits

released November 27, 2007

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about

Jana Fisher New York, New York

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Track Name: Innocence Lost
You were the serpent
I was Eve
So young and worthless
Easily deceived
I trusted you though
Half-truths you'd tell
When saying how you loved me
You mean how you loved yourself

One last trip through paradise
Was it worth the cost
To see through hell with opened eyes
My innocence lost

Why play it safe
When you can be free
Such was the poison
You offered to me
Feeding the longing
That haunts me, it does
Just to die for you
Though I already was

One last trip through paradise
Was it worth the cost
To see through hell with opened eyes
My innocence lost

Would I go back if I were given the chance?
Would I risk once more to fall into your hands?
There's no going back now, it's the price I have paid
But I will refuse you the anger you crave

One last trip through paradise
Not knowing the cost
I saw through hell with opened eyes
My innocence lost

But your love is behind me now
This is what I've bought
A second chance, but with the strength
Of innocence lost
Track Name: The Truth
Is it all because I'm happy now
And you're clueless as to how
To live without me needing you
When I'm the best you'll ever do

Or is it 'cause you've lied so much
That your falsehoods had become your crutch
And the web you wove was all that clothed
The ugly nakedness that I've exposed

I'll be firm and put myself through this torture
To give you what I know you deserve
And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes
She'll regret where her loyalty lies

I thought that you were through denying the truth
And I thought I was done writing about you
But I won't try to lay the blame
'Cause once rumors start, words can't clear a name
Sure I've committed my share of crimes
But I've done my penance too many times
So sue me for what I didn't say
And you'll be the one who has to pay

I'll be firm and put myself through this torture
To give you what I know you deserve
And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes
She'll regret where her loyalty lies

Now your sins have been condoned
But that's what happens when you dethrone
A boy who's king to everyone else
I never meant to destroy your life
So don't blame me for your current strife
'Cause you destroyed yourself

I'll be firm and put myself through this torture
To give you what I know you deserve
And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes
She'll regret where her loyalty lies

I'll be firm and put myself through this torture
To give you what I know you deserve
And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes
She'll regret where her loyalty lies

I'll be firm and put myself through this torture
To give you what I know you deserve
And when they see the truth in your heartless eyes
They will know that all you can be is a lie
Track Name: Numbness
Alarm goes off
You hit the snooze
You lie awake wondering
If today you'll have to choose
Between him and your God
You say it's no contest
It's an obvious choice
But you must confess

You don't care the way you once did
You don't know who you are today
You hide the pain inside
'Til the numbness steals it away

You've never felt this way
You say that he's the one
There's sweetness to the pain he's caused
But it blocks out the sun
If you don't see
That your heart's turning to stone
You'll wake up one day
To find yourself alone

You don't care the way you once did
You don't know who you are today
You hide the pain inside
'Til the numbness steals it away

You barely feel alive
Can't you see what you've become
This empty shell of a girl
It's what his love has done

You don't care the way you once did
You don't know who you are today
You hide the pain inside
'Til the numbness steals it away
Track Name: Fairy Tale
I watched your eyes grow wide
As you saw my pain for what it was
For so long I'd held it inside
Never again to let it resurface
But you asked to see it once more
To see the curse that's placed on me
And my heart dropped to the floor
As you considered if we could be

As my knight in shining armor
I need you not to rescue me
From the tallest tower
But to slay the dragon in my heart

I lay awake that night
Thinking this must be a fairy tale
As I try to set things right
You will be proven real if I fail
But I would not ask you to be perfect
That's the last thing I'd want you to be
I only ask if I am worth it
If, after all, our love cannot be

As my knight in shining armor
I need you not to rescue me
From the tallest tower
But to slay the dragon in my heart

As I stumble in the dark
I have never been more afraid
As I am falling for you

As my knight in shining armor
I need you not to rescue me
From the tallest tower
But to slay the dragon in my heart
Track Name: Abdicate In The Lines
So this is what you've been doing
Up late at night staring at the screen
I'd been hoping that we'd stay pure
But I'm feeling too damn insecure
'Cause my skin
Isn't porcelain

It's dotted through with pores and scars
I can't compare to all the porn stars
With their silicone breasts and air-brushed thighs
So I'll pretend my lust is never satisfied
I'll look over your shoulder to see what you like
And pretend to enjoy it so someday I might
You claimed you'd always hoped that I would turn this wild
But I'm just holding on to the dreams of a child

Maybe you'll think I'm pretty
And feel lucky that you have me
If I learn to love you the way she does
'Cause with her all-loving eyes
She will never have to cry
So I'm gonna try
To forget what I was
So I can love you the way that she does

I'll wake before you and get my face done
So that you can forget that I'm a real person
I'll practice my seductive look in the mirror
So maybe you'll draw just a little bit nearer
I'll be your doll
As I stare at the wall
And make believe your affection satisfies
But I can't keep buying into your lies
This smells like love but doesn't last
I'm just an actress who's been cast
In this lust show you just won't give up
But I never will be quite good enough
To make you forget your erotic queen
Who's never more than what she seems

Maybe you'll think I'm pretty
And feel lucky that you have me
If I learn to love you the way she does
'Cause with her all-loving eyes
She will never have to cry
So I'm gonna try
To forget what I was
So I can love you the way that she does

I come to you to tell the truth
Of what made all this come to be
You apologize with hardened eyes
And the guilt weighs just on me
Track Name: More Than Just a Prodigal
My memories are dim and few
But they are all I have of you
For you were too busy forgetting yourself
You drank late nights and ate booze
As if you had been forced to choose
Between your sanity and your health
And I, perfect angel that I was
Watched all this with hateful disgust
As if you were the blight of our family
You never did fit in too well
For they tried to scare you out of hell
Instead of into what you could be

I wish desperately to know you
For though I could never prove it
My connection to you runs painfully deep
And though I never know what to say
I cry for you most every day
For you are more than just a prodigal to me

I remember when you pierced your ear
And put Kool-Aid in your hair
I see why you outwardly rebelled
Dad wouldn't let me pierce my nose
'Cause it's against some holy dress code
But it would have eased the pain I felt
I share your loathing for the church
But the idea I hate the worst
Is the thought that they could've saved you
I know they're full of two-faced shit
But God is not a hypocrite
So give him the chance he gave you

My memories are dim and few
But they are all I have of you
For you were too busy forgetting yourself
You drank late nights and ate booze
As if you had been forced to choose
Between your sanity and your health
And I, perfect angel that I was
Watched all this with hateful disgust
As if you were the blight of our family
You never did fit in too well
For they tried to scare you out of hell
Instead of into what you could be

I wish desperately to know you
For though I could never prove it
My connection to you runs painfully deep
And though I never know what to say
I cry for you most every day
For you are more than just a prodigal to me

You don't have to become a preacher
You don't have to even convert
Just come home

My memories are dim and few
But they are all I have of you
For you were too busy forgetting yourself
You drank late nights and ate booze
As if you had been forced to choose
Between your sanity and your health
And I, perfect angel that I was
Watched all this with hateful disgust
As if you were the blight of our family
You never did fit in too well
For they tried to scare you out of hell
Instead of into what you could be

I wish desperately to know you
For though I could never prove it
My connection to you runs painfully deep
And though I never know what to say
I cry for you most every day
For you are more than just a prodigal to me
Track Name: Advice
But the smell of you on my skin
I could have done without
Like the smell of skin he never touched
But stripped from the inside out
And all the things that I once loved
Are now the things I fear
The familiar sound of your voice
Whispering his words in my ear

Don't hurt me
Please don't hurt me

Though years of pain have worn me down
And made me old inside
I find myself in a corner
Like a frightened child
Small, helpless, vulnerable
Weakened by his sin
Trapped inside an ugly choice
With no hope but to give in

I should have heeded your advice
When you told me to stay away from you
Track Name: Out of the Fire
You look into the mirror
And despise your own face
You see a perfect life
Seemingly gone to waste
And you wonder if
Your life is worth the pain
The price you pay in misery
For dancing in the flames

But out of the fire
And out of your own ashes
Like a phoenix, you will rise
As gold, as gold
Pure and refined

Be careful what you wish for
It may just come true
You wished for him to suffer
For what he did not do to you
And instead your skin simmered
With the burning of your own hate
And your cocoon cannot hide you
From the choice that you must make

But out of the fire
And out of your own ashes
Like a phoenix, you will rise
As gold, as gold
Pure and refined

And you ask why
Is now the time to fly
But all works for good
It's okay to be afraid
Track Name: Borrowed Time
I'm writing secrets on my feet
The only part of me he never sees
But when they are finally revealed
He'll have nothing left to steal
You've yet to learn what you will miss
Because of his ever swindled kiss
But I cannot help but think of you
Every time affection turns crude

And every time he lays me down
I know I'll think of him when you're under the covers
And every time he touches my skin
He erodes the softness you long to discover
And every time I lick his neck
I absorb his poison and pass it on to us
And every time I feel his weight
You lose me because someone must

Over railroad tracks I wished for you
But now you are forbidden fruit
Because I could not wait to find
That I was out of borrowed time
And now I writhe in lust and pain
With nothing left to lose or gain
Our future beauty can no longer last
Because of all the stains of lovers past

And every time he lays me down
I know I'll think of him when you're under the covers
And every time he touches my skin
He erodes the softness you long to discover
And every time I lick his neck
I absorb his poison and pass it on to us
And every time I feel his weight
You lose me because someone must

And when every last first is gone
So will be pleasure and our chances
Trust will be lust, a four letter word
'Cause that's the way romance is
I'll try to find some hope again
But I'll never be able to lose control
For though I battle with demons each day
It's compromise that steals the soul
Track Name: To Hell With Greatness
God, you’re slightly insane
Why would you want me?
I curse at you when I pray
And yet you call it honesty
All my fucks and damns
Don’t stop you from haunting me
What the hell do you want now?
A hand grenade, a killing spree?

Why can’t you just let me be
Let me have my mediocrity
Take away the drive in me
To strive for something more
Fill these voids with something else
I don’t want them anymore

I don’t want risk or adventure
Let me have a quiet life
I’ll raise my kids in churchy ways
And be a loving housewife
Just don’t ask me to trade in my comfort
And risk failure with my sacrifice
Why the hell would you want my dreams?
All they do is die

Take away this annoying voice in my head
That appears at the most inconvenient times
Turning innocent words into rhythms
And solitary phrases into rhymes

Just let me be content for once
Let me be an ordinary girl
Free me of my creativity
Let me have a home in this world
Track Name: To Hell With Mediocrity
God, this is all your fault
You made me different inside
These desires can't be sinful
But they've gone unsatisfied
All of us claim to want to saved
A world corrupted by hate
But I find myself alone here
In wanting to be great

I'm done with hiding
Yes it's me
Under these rags of mediocrity
Fill me with drive to strive
For the life you long to see
I'm here
And more than ready
To finally be redeemed

I wanna love with no agenda
And throw away my witness
I want discuss art with atheists
Instead of staging more protests
I wanna live a life without rules
Fenced in only by grace
You've shown me real freedom
I wanna give the world a taste

I wanna put your stamp of claim on the world
For all things true and beautiful are yours
I wanna tap into your creativity
And find others who will inspire along with me
I wanna learn to live without a mask
I want a revolution. Is that too much to ask?

I wanna be the me I'm supposed to be
Not trampled by guys or defeated by lies
But complete and creative
Just like you are

I'm ready when you are
To be the revolution
The world's been waiting for
Track Name: There Is No Goodbye
I stared out my window in pain and regret
Recalling the moments I'd rather forget
The shame and the sorrow of risking it all
And having to live with yourself when you fall

But I wouldn't go back 'cause these moments are me now
To live without these scars I wouldn't know how
'Cause triumph and loss both have made this my life
When memories define you, you learn
There is no goodbye

Why waste a heartbreak on things that won't last
Why love when that person will soon be your past
Why think you've found someone on whom you can depend
When they'll leave and you'll be alone in the end

But I wouldn't go back 'cause these friendships are me now
To live without their scars I wouldn't know how
'Cause heartache and love both have made this my life
When memories define you, you learn
There is no goodbye

I'm broken at last
The night is gone
But it was living in the shadows
That let me see the sun

But I wouldn't go back 'cause these moments are me now
To live without these scars I wouldn't know how
'Cause heartache and love both have made this my life
When memories define you, you learn
There is no goodbye