A History of Sleepwalking

by Jana Fisher

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1.
Innocence Lost (free) 02:40
You were the serpent I was Eve So young and worthless Easily deceived I trusted you though Half-truths you'd tell When saying how you loved me You mean how you loved yourself One last trip through paradise Was it worth the cost To see through hell with opened eyes My innocence lost Why play it safe When you can be free Such was the poison You offered to me Feeding the longing That haunts me, it does Just to die for you Though I already was One last trip through paradise Was it worth the cost To see through hell with opened eyes My innocence lost Would I go back if I were given the chance? Would I risk once more to fall into your hands? There's no going back now, it's the price I have paid But I will refuse you the anger you crave One last trip through paradise Not knowing the cost I saw through hell with opened eyes My innocence lost But your love is behind me now This is what I've bought A second chance, but with the strength Of innocence lost
2.
The Truth (free) 03:11
Is it all because I'm happy now And you're clueless as to how To live without me needing you When I'm the best you'll ever do Or is it 'cause you've lied so much That your falsehoods had become your crutch And the web you wove was all that clothed The ugly nakedness that I've exposed I'll be firm and put myself through this torture To give you what I know you deserve And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes She'll regret where her loyalty lies I thought that you were through denying the truth And I thought I was done writing about you But I won't try to lay the blame 'Cause once rumors start, words can't clear a name Sure I've committed my share of crimes But I've done my penance too many times So sue me for what I didn't say And you'll be the one who has to pay I'll be firm and put myself through this torture To give you what I know you deserve And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes She'll regret where her loyalty lies Now your sins have been condoned But that's what happens when you dethrone A boy who's king to everyone else I never meant to destroy your life So don't blame me for your current strife 'Cause you destroyed yourself I'll be firm and put myself through this torture To give you what I know you deserve And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes She'll regret where her loyalty lies I'll be firm and put myself through this torture To give you what I know you deserve And when she sees the truth in your heartless eyes She'll regret where her loyalty lies I'll be firm and put myself through this torture To give you what I know you deserve And when they see the truth in your heartless eyes They will know that all you can be is a lie
3.
Numbness (free) 03:56
Alarm goes off You hit the snooze You lie awake wondering If today you'll have to choose Between him and your God You say it's no contest It's an obvious choice But you must confess You don't care the way you once did You don't know who you are today You hide the pain inside 'Til the numbness steals it away You've never felt this way You say that he's the one There's sweetness to the pain he's caused But it blocks out the sun If you don't see That your heart's turning to stone You'll wake up one day To find yourself alone You don't care the way you once did You don't know who you are today You hide the pain inside 'Til the numbness steals it away You barely feel alive Can't you see what you've become This empty shell of a girl It's what his love has done You don't care the way you once did You don't know who you are today You hide the pain inside 'Til the numbness steals it away
4.
Fairy Tale (free) 04:59
I watched your eyes grow wide As you saw my pain for what it was For so long I'd held it inside Never again to let it resurface But you asked to see it once more To see the curse that's placed on me And my heart dropped to the floor As you considered if we could be As my knight in shining armor I need you not to rescue me From the tallest tower But to slay the dragon in my heart I lay awake that night Thinking this must be a fairy tale As I try to set things right You will be proven real if I fail But I would not ask you to be perfect That's the last thing I'd want you to be I only ask if I am worth it If, after all, our love cannot be As my knight in shining armor I need you not to rescue me From the tallest tower But to slay the dragon in my heart As I stumble in the dark I have never been more afraid As I am falling for you As my knight in shining armor I need you not to rescue me From the tallest tower But to slay the dragon in my heart
5.
Abdicate In The Lines (free) 06:36
So this is what you've been doing Up late at night staring at the screen I'd been hoping that we'd stay pure But I'm feeling too damn insecure 'Cause my skin Isn't porcelain It's dotted through with pores and scars I can't compare to all the porn stars With their silicone breasts and air-brushed thighs So I'll pretend my lust is never satisfied I'll look over your shoulder to see what you like And pretend to enjoy it so someday I might You claimed you'd always hoped that I would turn this wild But I'm just holding on to the dreams of a child Maybe you'll think I'm pretty And feel lucky that you have me If I learn to love you the way she does 'Cause with her all-loving eyes She will never have to cry So I'm gonna try To forget what I was So I can love you the way that she does I'll wake before you and get my face done So that you can forget that I'm a real person I'll practice my seductive look in the mirror So maybe you'll draw just a little bit nearer I'll be your doll As I stare at the wall And make believe your affection satisfies But I can't keep buying into your lies This smells like love but doesn't last I'm just an actress who's been cast In this lust show you just won't give up But I never will be quite good enough To make you forget your erotic queen Who's never more than what she seems Maybe you'll think I'm pretty And feel lucky that you have me If I learn to love you the way she does 'Cause with her all-loving eyes She will never have to cry So I'm gonna try To forget what I was So I can love you the way that she does I come to you to tell the truth Of what made all this come to be You apologize with hardened eyes And the guilt weighs just on me
6.
My memories are dim and few But they are all I have of you For you were too busy forgetting yourself You drank late nights and ate booze As if you had been forced to choose Between your sanity and your health And I, perfect angel that I was Watched all this with hateful disgust As if you were the blight of our family You never did fit in too well For they tried to scare you out of hell Instead of into what you could be I wish desperately to know you For though I could never prove it My connection to you runs painfully deep And though I never know what to say I cry for you most every day For you are more than just a prodigal to me I remember when you pierced your ear And put Kool-Aid in your hair I see why you outwardly rebelled Dad wouldn't let me pierce my nose 'Cause it's against some holy dress code But it would have eased the pain I felt I share your loathing for the church But the idea I hate the worst Is the thought that they could've saved you I know they're full of two-faced shit But God is not a hypocrite So give him the chance he gave you My memories are dim and few But they are all I have of you For you were too busy forgetting yourself You drank late nights and ate booze As if you had been forced to choose Between your sanity and your health And I, perfect angel that I was Watched all this with hateful disgust As if you were the blight of our family You never did fit in too well For they tried to scare you out of hell Instead of into what you could be I wish desperately to know you For though I could never prove it My connection to you runs painfully deep And though I never know what to say I cry for you most every day For you are more than just a prodigal to me You don't have to become a preacher You don't have to even convert Just come home My memories are dim and few But they are all I have of you For you were too busy forgetting yourself You drank late nights and ate booze As if you had been forced to choose Between your sanity and your health And I, perfect angel that I was Watched all this with hateful disgust As if you were the blight of our family You never did fit in too well For they tried to scare you out of hell Instead of into what you could be I wish desperately to know you For though I could never prove it My connection to you runs painfully deep And though I never know what to say I cry for you most every day For you are more than just a prodigal to me
7.
Advice (free) 03:16
But the smell of you on my skin I could have done without Like the smell of skin he never touched But stripped from the inside out And all the things that I once loved Are now the things I fear The familiar sound of your voice Whispering his words in my ear Don't hurt me Please don't hurt me Though years of pain have worn me down And made me old inside I find myself in a corner Like a frightened child Small, helpless, vulnerable Weakened by his sin Trapped inside an ugly choice With no hope but to give in I should have heeded your advice When you told me to stay away from you
8.
Out of the Fire (free) 02:34
You look into the mirror And despise your own face You see a perfect life Seemingly gone to waste And you wonder if Your life is worth the pain The price you pay in misery For dancing in the flames But out of the fire And out of your own ashes Like a phoenix, you will rise As gold, as gold Pure and refined Be careful what you wish for It may just come true You wished for him to suffer For what he did not do to you And instead your skin simmered With the burning of your own hate And your cocoon cannot hide you From the choice that you must make But out of the fire And out of your own ashes Like a phoenix, you will rise As gold, as gold Pure and refined And you ask why Is now the time to fly But all works for good It's okay to be afraid
9.
Borrowed Time (free) 05:35
I'm writing secrets on my feet The only part of me he never sees But when they are finally revealed He'll have nothing left to steal You've yet to learn what you will miss Because of his ever swindled kiss But I cannot help but think of you Every time affection turns crude And every time he lays me down I know I'll think of him when you're under the covers And every time he touches my skin He erodes the softness you long to discover And every time I lick his neck I absorb his poison and pass it on to us And every time I feel his weight You lose me because someone must Over railroad tracks I wished for you But now you are forbidden fruit Because I could not wait to find That I was out of borrowed time And now I writhe in lust and pain With nothing left to lose or gain Our future beauty can no longer last Because of all the stains of lovers past And every time he lays me down I know I'll think of him when you're under the covers And every time he touches my skin He erodes the softness you long to discover And every time I lick his neck I absorb his poison and pass it on to us And every time I feel his weight You lose me because someone must And when every last first is gone So will be pleasure and our chances Trust will be lust, a four letter word 'Cause that's the way romance is I'll try to find some hope again But I'll never be able to lose control For though I battle with demons each day It's compromise that steals the soul
10.
To Hell With Greatness (free) 04:44
God, you’re slightly insane Why would you want me? I curse at you when I pray And yet you call it honesty All my fucks and damns Don’t stop you from haunting me What the hell do you want now? A hand grenade, a killing spree? Why can’t you just let me be Let me have my mediocrity Take away the drive in me To strive for something more Fill these voids with something else I don’t want them anymore I don’t want risk or adventure Let me have a quiet life I’ll raise my kids in churchy ways And be a loving housewife Just don’t ask me to trade in my comfort And risk failure with my sacrifice Why the hell would you want my dreams? All they do is die Take away this annoying voice in my head That appears at the most inconvenient times Turning innocent words into rhythms And solitary phrases into rhymes Just let me be content for once Let me be an ordinary girl Free me of my creativity Let me have a home in this world
11.
God, this is all your fault You made me different inside These desires can't be sinful But they've gone unsatisfied All of us claim to want to saved A world corrupted by hate But I find myself alone here In wanting to be great I'm done with hiding Yes it's me Under these rags of mediocrity Fill me with drive to strive For the life you long to see I'm here And more than ready To finally be redeemed I wanna love with no agenda And throw away my witness I want discuss art with atheists Instead of staging more protests I wanna live a life without rules Fenced in only by grace You've shown me real freedom I wanna give the world a taste I wanna put your stamp of claim on the world For all things true and beautiful are yours I wanna tap into your creativity And find others who will inspire along with me I wanna learn to live without a mask I want a revolution. Is that too much to ask? I wanna be the me I'm supposed to be Not trampled by guys or defeated by lies But complete and creative Just like you are I'm ready when you are To be the revolution The world's been waiting for
12.
There Is No Goodbye (free) 03:31
I stared out my window in pain and regret Recalling the moments I'd rather forget The shame and the sorrow of risking it all And having to live with yourself when you fall But I wouldn't go back 'cause these moments are me now To live without these scars I wouldn't know how 'Cause triumph and loss both have made this my life When memories define you, you learn There is no goodbye Why waste a heartbreak on things that won't last Why love when that person will soon be your past Why think you've found someone on whom you can depend When they'll leave and you'll be alone in the end But I wouldn't go back 'cause these friendships are me now To live without their scars I wouldn't know how 'Cause heartache and love both have made this my life When memories define you, you learn There is no goodbye I'm broken at last The night is gone But it was living in the shadows That let me see the sun But I wouldn't go back 'cause these moments are me now To live without these scars I wouldn't know how 'Cause heartache and love both have made this my life When memories define you, you learn There is no goodbye

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I spent a summer producing and recording this album when I was 18.

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released November 27, 2007

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Jana Fisher New York, New York

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